How to fix a loveless marriage in 10 easy steps

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Want to fix your loveless marriage? These 10 steps are easy to implement and will transform your marriage to love-filled!

If someone had told me when I was marrying the love of my life that not every day would be filled with love and sunshine I would have smiled and brushed them off.

How could two people who are head over heels enough that they make a lifetime commitment ever fall “out of love?“

Truth is, almost all marriages experience a dry season…or three. 

The difference though is those who choose not to quit. And instead, figure out how to get back to or better than what they were before they entered their dry season.

Before we get started on the 10 steps on how to bring love back into your marriage sign up for my FREE 5 Day Marriage Revival Course so you and your spouse and start back on the path of love:

1. Are you willing to put in the work?

Do you want to know how to fix a loveless marriage?

We have to start here because if your answer is no, then nothing else matters.

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase that sometimes people fall out of love in marriage, but when you get to that point, are you determined to get back to loving your spouse?

Or do you want to walk away because things have become harder?

Marriage is a commitment for life, and although a lot of vows are different, I’m pretty sure yours didn’t say “until death do us part unless we fall out of love.”

So I’ll ask you again, are you willing to do the work? 

If your answer is yes, then I can help you fix your loveless marriage.

2. Remember why you fell in love in the first place

What made you fall in love with your spouse?

We all grow and change but that doesn’t mean that who we are as people changes.

According to the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysis “Basic Incompatibility” is the leading cause of divorce.

You get married, you grow apart and then you think that you are incompatible.

But you didn’t think that when you first got married, so what changed?

I have to disagree with the statistic.

It’s not incompatibility.

I think it’s having different expectations that you never addressed.

And because we all have different expectations, and our spouse doesn’t meet ours, we think we’re incompatible. 

3. Have a healthy conversation about what your expectations are in your marriage

Let me tell you about Julie and Bob. A fictitious married couple. 

Julie grew up seeing her dad always put the dishes away after her mom did the dishes.

But Bob doesn’t do that. And she is comparing Bob to her father with an expectation that he does the same.

She is secretly disappointed that Bob never puts the dishes away, even though she’s never told Bob that’s what she wants or expects.

In all the romance movies that Julie watched, she saw men open doors for women, it’s not something Bob is used to doing and he has never done that.

Yet Julie is measuring Bob to that standard and Bob never knew because they both have never had a conversation about it.

Bob saw his mother cook three-course meals every day for eighteen years and cooking isn’t Julie’s strong suit.

In the back of his mind, a standard has been set, and he was expecting the same from his wife. His disappointment in that expectation being met has led him to distance himself from Julie.

Does that mean they’re not compatible?

No.

It means that they never had a healthy conversation about their expectations in marriage.

It also doesn’t mean that your spouse has to meet that expectation. It’s all about compromise.

How to have a conversation about your expectations

A lot of us have been conditioned to not complain about the things we desire and don’t get. 

But if your marriage is going to last a lifetime, it’s time to speak up.

1. Find some time to sit down and have a healthy conversation about each other’s expectations.
2. Don’t interrupt each other as the other person is voicing their concerns.
3. Don’t be stubborn, your marriage is not about you, it’s about the both of you and there needs to be compromise.
4. Figure out what will work. ( Let’s take the example of Julie and Bob. If Bob wants her to cook more, maybe she doesn’t cook three times a day, maybe they cook together or she learns how to make dinner. If Julie wants Bob to put the dishes away, it’s not that hard of a task, and if it makes his wife happy, why not try it out a few times?)
5. Compromise. It’s like marriage’s middle name. Figure out what works for both of you.
6. Implement what you have discussed. Don’t make this pointless. Marriage is about sacrifice, do your part and see what happens!

4. Set time aside to spend time together

There are a lot of times that marriage turns into two people living together like roommates.

Coexisting. 

And forgetting all about intimacy.

Can you have a marriage without intimacy?

When was the last time you sat down and talked about each other’s day? Her hopes? His dreams? Or something outside of your regular conversations?

What always helps my husband and I is doing our daily devotional that actually makes us talk and asks intriguing questions.

We set time aside every night after our children go to bed to read our devotional, talk and pray together. And almost always that devotional sparks a conversation that we wouldn’t have begun on our own.

You can check out the devotional we read here. We’ve been reading it for ten years, military life and just plain life, in general, has always gotten in the way so that we haven’t perfectly finished an entire year. So it’s fun to find the devotionals we’ve missed before.

Here are some more devotionals to check out:

You can also check out these Marriage Communication Cards:

The point is, you should never be so busy that you can’t take time to spend with your spouse. Maybe you work opposite schedules, can you call each other and have a conversation that doesn’t involve work or the kids?

Are you able to schedule in some time for some healthy conversation with your spouse?

If you don’t know where to start or how to talk to them, or if you’d like some healthy starter questions- check out my post 5 Helpful Questions to Ask your Spouse to Immediately Improve your Marriage.

5. Find out your spouse’s love language and give them it.

When I found out what love languages were it was a huge eye-opener in my own marriage.

Did you know that every person has their own love language? It’s the way they give and receive love. 

And more often than not, your spouse has a different love language than you.

So you may be showing love the way you would like to receive it, but you’re speaking a different language than your spouse and they’re desperate for love in their own language.

There are 5 different love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Physical Touch
4. Receiving Gifts
5. Quality Time

After reading this post, come back here and take the test to see what your love language is, and have your spouse do the same.

Five Love Languages Test

When you’re both done taking the test, there are plenty of resources on how to give each other their own love language. 

Make a commitment to try.

My husband has never been one to speak how he feels. And my love language is words of affirmation. It takes some serious sacrifice for him to get out of his shell and give me my love language. 

But that’s what love is, sacrifice. 

You’re planting seeds of love that will blossom into something beautiful.

Here are some extra resources to help give each other your love languages:

6. Watch your words: Are you building up or tearing down?

This is huge.

Your spouse may act like your words don’t affect them. But words always do.

Once you speak something you cannot take it back.

And those words like to simmer. 

And affect how your spouse feels about themselves.

Which can make them push themselves away from you.

So, let me ask you:

Are the words you speak to your spouse building them up?

Or tearing them down?

If you’re constantly criticizing your spouse you are tearing them down.

Unless someone is open to receiving criticism, for example- they ask you for it, it’s never a good approach to get results.

But if you use words to lift them up, to encourage them there could be a total 360 in their attitudes.

For example, you can read my post How to Easily Get Your Husband to do Whatever you Want.

The whole point is to use words that build up, instead of tear down.

How would you react in these two scenarios?

Scenario A:

“Ugh! I wish you would do the dishes. You never do them. And if you do you don’t do them right and I have to rewash them! You’re so incompetent! You can’t get anything right!”

Scenario B:

“Honey, it’s so helpful when you do the dishes. I know you don’t really like doing them but I really appreciate the break it gives me. I’m grateful for you and all that you do.”

I don’t think anyone wants to be spoken to like Scenario A.

And if you aren’t used to speaking like Scenario B. Then practice.

Practice makes perfect and I’m sure your spouse will be grateful for your effort.

Taking it back to the Five Love Languages, I watched one of Gary Chapman’s videos and he said something I’ll never forget.

I have to paraphrase because I don’t remember word for word.

He spoke of a scenario where a wife wanted her husband to paint a room.

She kept nagging him over and over and he never painted the room so she told Mr. Chapman about it and asked for advice.

He told her to instead start complimenting her husband on the things he does do.

“I really appreciate you taking out the trash!”

“Thank you for turning off all the lights and locking the doors last night I was too tired to do it.”

She stopped nagging him.

And he painted the room.

She was building him up, instead of tearing him down.

Imagine how much your spouse’s attitude would change if you put some real effort into building them up.

7. You’ve been lied to about the percent to give in marriage

Growing up I always heard that marriage was 50/50.

I’m sure you’ve heard that too. 

I want to flip that upside down and say marriage is 100/100.

Always give your 100%.

Even if your spouse is only giving 10. 

I know that probably makes some jaws drop.

But you can only be responsible for your own actions. 

I was fortunate enough to learn this at the beginning of my marriage. 

I read the book The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace and it changed my entire perspective on marriage.

And trust me, there have been plenty of times I wanted to give my husband the percent he was giving me because it wasn’t up to my standards. 

But I had to remind myself, my husband’s actions are not a guide to mine. I am responsible for the way I act.

And I am responsible for how my children see what a wife should be in God’s eyes.

Naturally, we want to reflect our spouse’s effort.

“Well, he only did this for my birthday so I’m only going to do this for his.”

“She doesn’t ever do this for me so why would I do it for her?”

Because you love your spouse, that’s why.

Raise the bar. Do something great for your spouse and see what changes.

Imagine- if you always think like that, and your actions reflect your thoughts, your marriage is going downhill. 

Your spouse is probably thinking the same way. 

Standards are getting lower and lower until you think your spouse doesn’t love you anymore.

Raise them.

Do something greater. Who cares if your spouse didn’t do something you wanted, treat them the way you want to be treated and see how that is reflected in your marriage instead.

Keep raising the bar until you’re back or even further than when you first got married.

When you do something nice for your spouse, it is natural for them to want to return the favor. It is a cycle that keeps giving. 

8. There’s no room for pride in marriage

The Bible says, “the two shall become one.” 

So, when you’re prideful you’re really only working against yourself.

When you mess up- say you’re sorry.

Saying sorry lets your spouse know that you recognize that you’ve made a mistake.

And that there is room to grow.

None of us are perfect. And we all make mistakes.

Saying sorry is so important in marriage.

And not apologizing is damaging.

What do you have to lose? Whatever you did is worse than apologizing-trust me.

An apology can go a long way.

And if you think that whatever you’re doing isn’t something that you know how to stop then get help.

Seeing a therapist can be life-changing. It can help you grow as a person and help your marriage grow at the same time.

Seek out counseling for yourself or a marriage counselor.

Either way, recognizing the problems and doing everything you can to resolve them is going to help your marriage tremendously.

We all grow up and get stuck in our ways. We all need help. And there is nothing wrong with finding someone with the wisdom and knowledge to help you get unstuck.

9. Work towards a common goal

Where do you see your marriage in five years?

Do you think you can make it to your next anniversary?

Let me get real with you.

If you refuse to put in any effort, then your marriage is going to stay right where it’s at and you’re going to grow even further apart.

You made a commitment. Now let’s put that into action.

Here are some common goals you can work towards:

1. Setting a time every day to spend together (number 4 in this post)
2. Ask each other these 5 Questions and set goals to implement the answers.
3. Change your habits. If you want more intimacy in your marriage then set a goal to talk to each other instead of coming home and playing video games or watching tv. What grows is what you water. If you’re playing video games all day you may make it to the next level but your marriage is suffering. Put time into what matters.
4. If you struggle with staring at your phone while home, pick a place or charging station to set your phone down and be present while at home.
5. Set a date where you will come back and revisit the commitments you have made to each other. On that date, show grace, regroup and see what else needs to improve. Make sure to encourage each other in the improvements you’re seeing from your spouse. Set new goals.

10. Find something you can do together that will strengthen your marriage

In the book “Becoming the Woman of His Dreams” Sharon Jaynes paints a picture of a thousand strings. Little things you share in common with your spouse.

If your husband likes football, would it hurt to watch a game with him or two?

If your wife likes making candles, would it hurt for you to help her a few times and see why she loves it?

Sharon speaks about creating all these strings so that your bond is so tight it’s unbreakable.

No, you don’t have to join your spouse in everything they do. 

But it will help to have common interests.

Here are some ideas to try for new hobbies to do together:

1. Sign up for a couple’s dance class
2. Have a game night and find a game you love to play together
3. Take an archery class
4. Sign up for a date night subscription box
5. Pick one night or morning each week to cook breakfast or dinner together
6. Go on walks together every night
7. Do a house project together
8. Go geocaching
9. Start a new tradition
10. Go do a paint night together

You can also start by doing my Five Day Marriage Revival Course!

Sign up below to get started:

Conclusion

If you’re ready to end your loveless marriage and begin one full of love with your spouse start implementing these steps today. Your marriage and your spouse will thank you!

If you have any extra tips, leave them in the comment section below!

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