The pain of losing a child isn’t something anyone should have to go through. No one is prepared for how to deal with miscarriage. This post will help you.
It was the day after I thought I had finished menstruating. And I began to bleed again.
As questions began to loom in my mind I figured I should start googling what was going on.
As I went down deep rabbit holes I saw somewhere on some forum that this is how another woman found out she was pregnant.
Seeing as a week prior I had shed more tears at my the beginning of yet another period meaning I still wasn’t pregnant–the glimpse of hope for pregnancy made me ecstatic.
I didn’t care that it was late and we both had to work the next day.
We needed to go to Walgreens and buy a test.
I still remember jumping for joy at that second line and looking at my husband’s eyes seeing the hope in them.
We were pregnant.
The thought of bleeding never crossed my mind that something wrong might be happening. I couldn’t see through all the hope.
The next morning I drove to the Army hospital and requested a blood test.
I told them that I was bleeding and they assigned me someone who “dealt with what I was going through.”
She explained that they would need to draw blood today, and then again in 48 hours to see if my HCG levels were rising or falling.
I didn’t care, my mind was in lala land. After 2 years there was FINALLY a baby in me.
The woman explained to me that she would call me in two days first thing in the morning since I worked in the afternoon and didn’t want to get the news at work.
That morning came and I didn’t get a phone call.
I called her. Several times.
By the time my shift started at 2 pm I told my boss that I couldn’t work I was waiting for a very important phone call. And graciously, he let me wait.
This wasn’t my first miscarriage…I should have known better.
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How to Handle a Miscarriage
1. Stop Playing the Blame Game
In the days following the news of my pregnancy loss, I had the same questions I had with my first miscarriage.
What had I done to cause this to happen?
I didn’t have an answer.
I remember when I got pregnant with my oldest and I was explaining my pregnancy history to the OB I told her that I knew I lost the first baby because I had been exercising too much but I still couldn’t figure out the reason for the second one.
I was explaining this as I was sitting down about to have my first ultrasound and in the middle of me shifting around, she grabbed my arm and locked eyes with me.
“You didn’t do anything to cause your miscarriage. These things happen. Sometimes our bodies just know that the pregnancy isn’t healthy and so we lose them. It wasn’t your fault.”
Right there in that chair, I had a breakdown. As much as I had tried to blame myself and tried to figure out all the missing pieces, her words were like calm water washing over all my brokenness.
The reality is, we don’t know why miscarriages happen.
From a Christian perspective, when sin entered the world it wasn’t a simple explanation of: now we commit sins.
Sin affected how our bodies work, how we bear children and how we are susceptible to disease, sickness, and loss of life.
Our bodies aren’t perfect and I’m sure a million factors come to play in what happens when an egg is fertilized.
But the most important thing you need to know is, it’s not your fault.
You can search high and low for the cause or the cure, but you have to begin with letting go of the guilt.
2. Learn how to cope with miscarriage
The hard truth is, having a miscarriage may happen in one day or take longer. But that small piece of time in our lives may affect us forever.
There are two types of responses to miscarriage:
- Hold it in and don’t talk about it- which seems to be rather common in our day and age. But pushing down feelings is a temporary solution. Those feelings will resurface. And even though it’s hard to deal with them, it’s better to do it now than to wait until later when those feelings burst and you have no control over them.
- Talk about it. Talk to your spouse about what’s going on with you. Talk to your friends or someone close and speak how you’re feeling.
How to talk about your miscarriage
In today’s world miscarriage seems to still be a “taboo” subject.
You feel guilty for wanting to talk about it.
You feel like you’re going to look like a victim if you bring it up.
But having a miscarriage is a huge life event. Retreating and being alone in it helps no one. Certainly not you. And certainly not your mental health.
Your marriage, your friendships, and your relationships with family are there exactly for times like this. There are people who care about you and want to come alongside you in this.
There are so many unspoken children. Weights on women that we never know they are carrying. Open up and talk.There are so many unspoken children. Weights on women that we never know they are carrying. Open up and talk.
Chances are, you’ll probably get a response from someone who has also gone through a miscarriage.
If you don’t have anyone to talk to, see if you can see a counselor through your health care and/or speak to your church.
You can also find support groups, see if there is a local one or even one of Facebook.
You can also see if there is information, services and resources at your doctor’s office for support groups.
Speak about how you are feeling.
If you don’t know what to say just ask for prayer or for someone to stay with you and have a shoulder to cry on.
The danger of “locking pregnancies”
When I had my first miscarriage around 2 months after being married, a friend was also pregnant.
And now her son is the age of what my first child would be.
It is a constant reminder of my loss and she doesn’t even know.
If anything, don’t do this to yourself.
Your loss is enough.
The healing that comes with prayer
The best thing I did through all three of my miscarriages was pray.
I prayed for peace and comfort. And for God to come alongside me in the times I didn’t know how to deal with what I was going through.
Pray and ask God for help in your loss. Pray for the people that you tell to have compassion and come alongside you even if they don’t know how to respond to what you’re going through.
If you already have children or would like to pray for your future children here is a FREE printable mommy prayer.
The hope that comes with miscarriage
I had two miscarriages before we had our first son.
Even though miscarriage is tragic, if you have never had children it can still give hope that you are able to get pregnant.
I held onto that hope for two years before we got pregnant with our oldest son.
It may seem meaningless now when you’re going through something so horrible. And it doesn’t erase the child you just lost but it is always better to stick to the truth.
Never lose hope.
Dealing with miscarriage years down the road
When we got pregnant with our oldest son it was hard to feel joy at the beginning stages of pregnancy.
Knowing that we had already lost two babies, I was worried that this pregnancy wouldn’t stick. And that we would have to go through yet another loss.
Don’t ever give up hope about getting pregnant.
Rejoice in all your pregnancies because you never know what will happen.
I regret the sadness and apathy I felt those first 12 weeks.
Once we were past the first trimester we rejoiced.
But if I could go back, I would have celebrated from the start, and you should too.
That afternoon, when the OB finally called me her voice was upbeat and misleading. She said with an obvious smile like she was having the best day of her life “Well, you lost the baby. But don’t worry you can just try again.”
I don’t remember what she said after that. I was devastated and so confused that someone could have so much apathy to break news like this in such a light-hearted manner.
I went on to work my shift like nothing had happened because I didn’t want to share my heartbreak with my coworkers.
But I’m so grateful to have a husband that I could shed tears with.
So many women go through this tragedy and carry on as if nothing happened. Don’t wear the weight of miscarriage on your shoulders. Talk to someone. And heal.
Need help in your marriage? You can check out My FREE Marriage Revival Course! Take 5 days to pour into your marriage together and finish with new hope!
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If you need counseling but don’t want to go to a counselor try out Marriage Fitness as an alternative to traditional counseling.
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If you want books for any area or topic of your marriage you can check out the Christian Marriage Books I Recommend